I Know What the Bruins Are Doing This Summer
As a kid, you couldn’t wait for Summer Vacation, counting down the school days until you were FREE. As Bruins fans, the off-season came earlier than we’d hoped, and with summer right around the corner, I thought I could dispense some advice to our beloved hockey team about how they should spend their summer vacations.
Let’s start with the coaching staff: Jim Montgomery, the head coach for the last two seasons, has enjoyed unprecedented regular season success but has fallen short in the playoffs. “Monty” should channel his inner Yoda this summer, “Fail, you must. Learn, you will.” If Montgomery doesn’t figure things out in the next year or two, he will have a lot of extra time on his hands.
Chris Kelley and Joe Sacco need to spend all summer learning to count. (I heard the Count from Sesame Street is available to hire.) One…two…three…four…five…SIX! Six skaters are too many! Rinse and repeat, over and over and over again, until they realize how many skaters are allowed on the ice at one time. Seven too many men penalties in a postseason is an NHL record, and it’s an embarrassment!
Brad Marchand, the captain and longest-tenured member of the team, has seen a lot in his 15 seasons wearing the spoked B. Years ago, there was a special man who helped Michael Jordan with his winning mentality, Stuart Smalley. He could help Marchand with a daily affirmation, “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.” Now, I’m not sure that last part is true, but his teammates love him, and Bruins fans need their captain in the right frame of mind going into next season. (And if he wants to jump on Twitter and chirp the S#!t out of a few Leafs fans this summer just for kicks I’m all for it.)
David Pastrnak should spend some time with Mr. Miyagi. The karate and life lessons are a bonus, but Miyagi’s healing hands could make sure his hip is 100% going into next year. After Pasta’s hip is healed, he should go to church and pray for offensive help.
Charlie Coyle, Pavel Zacha, and Charlie McAvoy are traveling to Dunder-Mifflin in Scranton, PA, to an HR retreat to learn about shot mentality. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” – Wayne Gretzky -Michael Scott.
New England, including all Bruins fans, knows these players need to shoot more. Coyle, Zacha, and McAvoy had 147, 148, and 133 shots respectively. If they each took 200 shots next year based on their shooting percentages last year, their goal totals would be 34, 28, and 18. That is a tremendous improvement and would go a long way toward the Bruins offense being more dangerous in the 24-25 season.
